


I don't wanna see you hurting

by lady_caroline



Category: Robbie Williams (Musician), Take That (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lost Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt, Wilderness Years (Take That)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:01:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29642718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_caroline/pseuds/lady_caroline
Summary: Gary's never been more depressed and Robbie has never been more sad in his life. They finally hit rock bottom. Will  they find peace and love in each other after so much suffering?
Relationships: Gary Barlow & Robbie Williams, Gary Barlow/Robbie Williams
Kudos: 9





	1. SOS

He feels on top of the world. Literally. He won all the awards, all the recognition; all around him there’s only praise. Everybody loves him. _Everybody_.

  
But one.

  
He can't remember when was the last time he talked to him or even saw him. He remembers an old tabloids’ picture where he was a little chubby and certainly disheveled. He can't help but feel sad inside. Yes, he has done nothing but mock him and insult him. But inside he's just hurting. How he wished he could see him now, or talk to him. Not that he knows what he would say to him but that's not important. He only wishes he could hear his voice for a minute.

Suddenly his phone is ringing. For a moment he starts, unbelieving, until he sees the caller ID. Mark.

  
For a second he just stares at his phone, wondering what Mark may want, it's been a while since he called.  
'Marko, how's it going?''Rob, hey' he sounds off and suddenly Robbie is worried. Mark Owen is never this serious.

  
'What's wrong, Mark? I can hear it in your voice' he asks.

  
'Rob... I don't know how to break this to you, so I'll just say it' he takes a second to breathe and says 'Gary is in intensive care at London Hospital. He tried to kill himself this morning. It was sheer luck that Howard was able to catch him before the pills took the best of him. He's still very delicate so they don't know if he would make it. He... cut his wrists in addition to the pills..' he tries to speak calmly but he just breaks down. Mark's still in shock at how things happened with Gaz, 'he tried so hard, Rob... It just breaks my heart. I'm sorry for telling you like this, but I thought it was the best way, rather that finding it out through the papers or worst, the telly' he finishes but you can hear a pin drop. Robbie hadn't say a word yet.

  
'Robbie, are you there?' He asks, worried now.

Robbie is just in complete and utter shock. That can't be truth. Mark has to be wrong. Gaz killing himself? No, that can't be truth. The world just can't loose Gary Barlow. _He can't loose Gary Barlow._ His head is starting to swirl out of control.

'Mark, please tell me you're lying' he whispers. He's feeling a strong oppression in his chest. Like he can't breathe properly.

  
'I wish I was' it's the last thing he hears Mark say before dropping his phone.  
He needs to sit down. He's not sure what to do or think or feel. He's suddenly taken up by a deep fear. A million questions run through his head, but he can only see Gaz, broken, lying in a hospital bed. Now more that ever he needs to see him.

* * *

He's of one mind as he catches a cab from Heathrow to central London. He really doesn't know how he made it through the flight. He's out of his mind with worry. He only managed to text Mark to let him know of his trip back to the UK.

Paps have always been Robbie's greatest allies and enemies. But he never thought he would hate them so much like today.  
Of course, everyone knew by now of Gary Barlow’s fight with death. He was still unconscious in London while they got the tip of Robbie Williams’ flight landing from LA.

 _"Robbie, Robbie, have you talked to him before this all happened?";"Do you have anything to do whit it?";"Do you think he'll pull it though?"_ But the worst of it came later _"Have you come back here to gloat?"_ and lastly _"Are you happy now?"_ Said someone in the crowd of paps, and Robbie stopped walking, completely livid, to finally face them.

'How dare you?' He said with so much venom that they even stopped taking pictures for a moment.

  
'I may have said many things about Gary Barlow, I may have even said that I _hated_ him, but not even once in my life did I say, wished or even think about his dismissal. I know him for more than half of my life and he's the only reason I'm back in the UK. So write whatever you want but don't you even dare to say I'm glad about this.' He said and just walked away to his exit and waiting cab.

He meets with his PA at the entrance of Royal London Hospital and she takes care of his luggage and leaves him alone at last. He doesn't know what to do now that he's here. He texted Mark to let him know that he was at the entrance of the hospital and just waits for an answer.

  
After a few minutes Mark Owen himself walks out of the Hospital. He reaches Robbie and just hugs him. He's exhausted.  
'Rob's he whispers.  
'Marky' he says embracing him 'I don't know what to say, Mark. I guess I'm still in shock'  
'I know the feeling.'  
'Any changes?'  
'He's still unconscious but would you like to see him?'  
He hesitates for a minute. Wasn't he wishing to see him for the past few months? Of course. But not in this kind of situation. Either way he needs to see him, no matter how.  
'Yes, I’d like to'

* * *

  
'I have to warn you though, Howard and Jason are here too. How is really on edge since he was the one who found Gaz. I just want to give you the heads up if anything happens from this moment on. They're hurting.'  
Robbie wants to say he's hurting too but he's not sure how he's feelings right now.

  
'There's something else, Rob' Mark's says very seriously.  
'What now, Mark? What else has happened?' He asks almost mockingly.  
'He left several letters. His mum and dad, his brother, us. But he left one for you too.'  
Robbie feels suddenly cold and clammy. Gary's last words exclusively for him. He's really scared now.  
'Oh Mark... I don't know if I can take it' he says faintly.  
'I know. But I thought you should know, in case you want it; it's yours after all' he says softly.  
Rob needs a few second to regain his senses and keeps walking alongside Mark.

The finally reach Gary's room, but there's no one around.  
'They must have gone to get some coffee' says Mark.  
_"Better this way"_ Robbie thinks to himself.  
'He's inside. I’ll give you some time' He says sympathetically.

* * *

Robbie walks in before he thinks about it too much. Those images that haunted his mind for hours since Mark called him are now in front of his eyes but this time is real and nothing could prepare him for this.

  
Gary's neck, wrists and ankles are covered in gauze. He has several tubes connected and he has at least five different bags hanging from the side of his bed. The only source of sound is the beeping of his heart monitor and his life support machine. He has dark shadows under his eyes. He's pale and skinny. He doesn't look at all like the last picture he saw of him. Least at all does he looks like the boy he knew years ago.

  
He starts to breath faster. He feels it again. That oppression in his chest, his head's spinning. He can only see Gary in his barely lighted Hospital bed and he can't stop himself from feeling faint. He braces himself against the rail of Gary's bed and reaches for his hand: it's so warm and soft. His long fingers… Pianist's fingers.

  
He doesn't know when he starts crying but he knows he can't stop now. Every breath he takes turn into sobbing and tears. He grabs Gary's hand in both of his own and begs him to wake up. To come back now. He completely looses it.

* * *

It’s several hours later that he wakes up in a hospital bed with Mark sitting in a chair close to him. He looks around and finds the IV. He starts to remove it when he finds Mark stopping his hand.  
'Don't. You had a severe panic attack' he says softly.  
'I don't remember it. I just remember Gary...' his heart monitor starts to accelerate.  
'Hey, easy, Rob. Easy. Everything will be ok' He tries to reassure him, but how can he know?!  
'HOW? HAVE YOU SEEN HIM? HOW IS HE GOING TO BE OK?' He feels like he's loosing it again.  
'Please Rob if you don't calm down they'll put you down again and you won't be able to see Gary again soon' says Mark trying to get some sense into Robbie.  
A nurse comes in just in time.  
'Mr Williams, everything OK? Your heart rate is pretty high, shall I call your doctor?'  
'No, I'm sorry. I woke up disoriented and I just freaked out a little, but I'm ok now' he lies but his heart rate is returning to normal.  
'All right. Now that you're awake I'll Inform your doctor so he can discharge you then'  
'Yes, thank you' he says calmly.

Finally out of his temporary room, Robbie comes back to Gary's with Mark. Now he sees Howard and Jason. But even though Mark warned him, they don't look hostile towards him. They're just sad and tired.

Surprisingly it's Howard the first one to approach him. He just opens his arms and half smiles at Rob. He feels suddenly overwhelmed. He doesn't think about it, he walks into his open arms and hugs him.  
'I'm so sorry, How' he whispers against his shoulder.  
'I'm sorry too, Rob. I know this is not the time or place, but I am sorry for everything' he whispers back.  
He let's go of him and nods.  
Jason is watching them and he doesn't know what to do. So Robbie just walks towards him, puts his hands in Jay's shoulders and with half a smile he says 'you look just as handsome as ever, Jay' and doesn't wait for an answer, he just hugs him. Jason is startled but he laughs a little and hugs him back.  
'It's been so long Robbie. I'm sorry this has to be our reunion'  
'Me too, mate. You have no idea' he says back.

'So can you tell me… What happened?' He asks looking at them all.


	2. Feel

The lads look at each other. They don't know how to answer.

Jason is the first one to speak.  
'We didn't know... we never thought Gaz was this depressed. He was down, all of us were, but he just... wasn't himself anymore, you know. I guess we didn't want to see it for a long time, and it was too little to late when we tried to reach him. At first we didn't hear much of him. He was pretty isolated at his home.'  
'I talked to him several times, I even asked him if he wanted to write some music, but he told me he wasn't playing anymore' says Mark sadly. Robbie is speechless. Gary Barlow not playing music anymore? That could't be right in any universe! 'that was my first warning' Mark continues 'but I thought he was just taking some time'.

'I talked to him a little more frequently. I went to visit him quite often. At the beginning he was gaining weight like crazy. Drinking and smoking in a regular basis... but he was still himself somehow. But for the last year he started to loose weight, more and more quickly. He would never go out with me for suppers, I only saw him drinking and smoking. He didn't play or sing anymore' says Howard now 'but I just thought he would get over it eventually. I tried to be there for him. And he was getting better or that's what I thought.'

'Last night he texted me, and told me he had a letter for you, Rob. That he wanted _me_ to deliver. I asked him why wouldn't he do it instead "wasn't that better?" He laughed and said "no, I don't think Rob wants to hear from me ever again. It doesn't matter now, I just want him to have that letter and maybe if it's you he might read it eventually" I thought he sounded a little weird but there wasn't anything ANYTHING that could point at what he did later. He told me to drive by his house in the afternoon. And I was going to, but there was something that told me to go directly. So I decided to dropped earlier... I'll never in my life forget what I saw that morning. I don't want to relive it. Just know that it was the most terrifying sight of my life. I called an ambulance and tried to patch him the best I could. I found the empty bottles of pills and just took them for the medics, they were next to the letters.' He reaches inside his pocket.

'I really don't know what will happen, Rob. But he wanted you to have this. I think it's important' he says while handing out an envelope with Gary's writing 'just keep something in mind: he never speak ill of you. He never blamed you for anything. So I don't think that's a hate letter, that one.'

Robbie reaches for the letter but he can't bear to open it here.

'I think I'll step in for a few minutes' he only says pointing to Gary's room.  
They all nod and watch him go 'if you need anything just say it, we'll be here' says Mark with a small smile.  
'Thank you' says Robbie, his hand in the handle.

* * *

Facing Gary once again it's still hard. Even harder than withdrawal. And he's certainly been quite clean lately. He's trying. That's what brought Gaz back into his mind in a more moderate manner.   
He knows it's not his fault but in more than a way he knows he has contributed to bring Gaz to this state. That's why he can barely stay calm in his presence. But he needs to know what Gary wanted him to know with his letter. 

His suicide letter. He can barely keep his hands from shaking. He's truly afraid of what it may contain.

" _Rob_ " it starts.

" _I imagined so many times what would I say to you if I had you right in front of me. So many times I can no longer count them. And even though I say that, I feel that everything I could actually say would still feel too little. This feels too little actually, this. Because I'll never get to hear what would your answer be. I'm not being fair. Neither to you or me._

_But I'm far too tired. Tired of being compared to you at every step I take. Tired of fighting you and fighting my feelings for you. Tired of your indifference and your disdain. Tired of being Gary Barlow. Tired of just living._

_All I ever wanted was to sing and write beautiful music. I never wanted to be part of a band until it started to crumble and disappeared. I never understood what Take That really gave me and what little I gave all of you back. I'll never be able to say how sorry I am for how I was. I thought I would be stronger but it seems this life of mine wasn't meant to be._

_I wished for so many things, but I never got the nerve to do any. I was too scared, too proud, too stupid and vain. I did everything wrong with you and I'll regret it for eternity._

_All I ever wanted to say to you but never got the guts to say was so simple: I love you. Why couldn't I say it?_

_I love you._

_I love your brightness. I love your wittiness. I love your spunk. I love your honesty. I love your music and your songs. I even love your tattoos. I love all of you. I'm in love with you and I will always be. I love you._

  
_You're the brightest star I ever had the privilege of knowing. You, Robbie Williams._

  
_I guess I'll go knowing you will read this, sooner or later, and that gives me a little comfort even if it's too little too late._

_Forgive me for never doing enough for you. I didn't help you. Even though I could see you were destroying yourself I did nothing. Even though I saw you were headed in the wrong direction I let you._   
_I don't deserve your forgiveness but oh! I want it more than anything I ever wanted._

_Never let anyone tell you you're not good enough. Because you fucking are. You're way too good for anything and anyone. You were definitely far too good for me, I know. I wished I could have been good enough for you at least, I really do._

_I wish you all the love and happiness in the world, cos that's what you deserve. Be happy. Love with all of your heart. That's the only thing that really matters._

_Gaz"_

Big tears have fallen all over Gary's letter. He's gasping for air, but mostly he's trying to get his head around everything he's just read.

He reaches out for Gary's hand and he holds it to his crying face. 

How could he been so blind? How could he let Gary thought _he_ wasn't enough for him? _For him_? He was the one who wasn't enough for Gary! He never was! 

He wants to cry harder just thinking about it. So ridiculous! _Gary fucking Barlow not enough for him_? Most of anything in the world he wants to shout it in his face, shout to him that he's the one who's way too good for him. That he's the one he never got over with. That he's everything he ever wanted. 

He stands up with the Gary's letter crumbled between his hand and Gary's and makes a bow out loud while using his free hand to carefully stroke Gary's lovely face.

'You better be listening Gaz, or I swear I'll never forgive you. How could you ever think you weren't enough for me? I've been the greatest prick in history, I know. I've been so busy being hurt and mad that all I could do was being horrible to you when in reality all I wanted to do was just show you I was good enough for you.’ 

‘And everything looks like a big cosmical joke now. When I'm finally starting to feel better about myself, about my feelings for you... How could you do this? It's one thing to be enemies but how could I live with you gone? _I need you_ , Gaz!’

‘I beg you, please don't leave me. I don't know life without you in it. In any kind. You can hate me for all eternity, but please, be alive to do it. _Please_ , don't do this!’ he cries sadly. 

He doesn't know what else to do. He just keeps crying with Gary's hand between his. He fell asleep for a moment, with his head next to Gary.

* * *

His heartbeat it's getting faster. He doesn't understand what's happening anymore. He thinks he hears Robbie, but that cannot be true. He must be dreaming. Maybe there's a heaven after all. He feels something warm and soft in his right hand and tries to get a stronger hold on it. He smells something nice in the air, something that comes like from a memory. For a moment he only wishes he could open his eyes.

* * *

Mark, Howard and Jason are completely silent. It's been almost half an hour since Robbie went into Gary's room when a nurse comes quickly followed by two doctors. 

Suddenly Rob comes out, looking scared and shaken.

'What's going on, Rob?' Mark asks

'I don't know. I fell asleep for a few minutes when Gaz's heart monitor started to sound faster. I had his hand in mine... I swear I felt him moved. That's when the nurse came and asked me to leave. I'm not sure what's happening'


	3. Awake

'Try to calm down, I'm sure the doctors will tell us soon'

Just on cue, one of the doctors steps out.

'Lads. He woke up. We're taking some tubes out and doing some quick tests but if the patient it's up to, you may see him in a few moments.'

If it weren't for Mark and Jason, Robbie would have collapsed right there. His knees just gave up in relief. He can't believe it. He's awake!

'Doctor, is he going to be fine? Is he all right?' Howard asks

The doctor hesitates a second.

'The truth is he is not completely all right, no. Phisically he still needs to recovered from the cuts and the stomach wash. That will take a few days. But mentally we still need to do some serious evaluation to determine if he's in any condition to return to his normal life. Of course, in any case he will need to have a really hard follow up given the circumstances'

Rob feels a bit numb. It's too much information, too sudden. Mark's the first one to notice.

'Lads' he says but he looks directly at Rob, 'if you don't mind, I'd like to talk first to Gaz. Explain him how things happened after he... did all he did.'

'Would you like me to come with you, Mark?' Jason says

'Actually.. yes. I think it would be nice for Gaz to see you, Jay. Let's go.'

Actually Mark is a little nervous. He's not quite sure how Gary's going to react and there's no one more capable that Jason to try to handle this kind of situations.

They go together into his room, and there he is. Still pale and thin, but with less tubes. He watches them coming closer with an expression full of anguish.

'Who was it?' He whispers

Mark doesn't instantly get it, but Jason does.

'Howard felt like there was something wrong when you call him. He was the one who found you, which I assume was always your idea. He just went earlier. That's why you're still alive.' He says simply, with no judgement or sadness in his voice, even though Mark knows different. Jay's just as hurt as any of the lads, Mark included.

'Is How here as well?' He asks.

'He is' says Mark 'Robbie too. They're both outside'.

At the mention of Robbie, Gaz goes completely pale, his heartbeat starts to race.

'Gary, everything will be fine' Mark tries to calm him down, but it's useless. Gary tries to move but he's shaking from head to toes.

Jay's takes control of the situation, grabbing him by the shoulders and pushing him down to the mattress.

'Gary. Look at me. They're not coming in if you don't want to, okay? Just breathe. You don't have to face them now, you hear me?' He says slowly and clearly.

That seems to work because Gary calms down a little. 

'I just can't see him. Not right now. I just can't' he says sadly just before he breaks down.

'Its ok, Gaz. You don't have to worry about any of that right now. We'll tell them. You now need to rest, ok?' says Mark, always understanding, grabbing his hand.

He just nods and stays there, staring at the ceiling.

Jay moves closer to Mark and whispers 'if you don't mind, I'd like to stay for a few minutes with Gaz, would you mind telling the boys?' he says, looking serious.

'Sure. Just don't pressure him into anything' pleads Mark softly.

'Of course not. I just want to have a little chat. I don't want him to keep thinking about what lead him here.' says Jay. Mark nods.

'I'll be back in a bit, Gaz' he says loudly, but Gary is not really paying any attention. He guesses Jay's right.

He steps outside and feels a little shaken to be again in a room fully lighted and noisier.

Robbie and Howard look at him from the chairs in front of Gaz's room and start to raise when Mark stops them. 

'Wait. I know you wanna see him, but he's not in shape.'

'He doesn't wanna see us, right?' asks Robbie.

'He's not ready' says Mark sadly.

'I'll wait here then' says Robbie.

'Rob, I wanna see him too, but I don't know if that's the best option here' says Howard dejectedly.

'And what am I supposed to do, huh? Wait comfortably at home, not knowing if the most important person in my life is alright?' He nearly shouts. He's tired, stressed, worried. He can't keep it together anymore. He sits down again, with his head on his hands.

Both Mark and Howard stare at him, processing what he just said. They always suspected that there was something more than a friendship between Gaz and Rob, but they never confirmed it. It was just speculation. They still don't know it for sure, but that would explains Gary's letter, Rob's quick flight back to the UK and his panic attack after seeing Gaz in his hospital bed.

Robbie realizes he said too much but sod it all.  
'I know I have an awful shit way to show it, but I love him. I always did. All this time away from him only served me to finally accept it. When Mark called me yesterday and told me everything I thought my life was ending. I couldn't breathe or move, I couldn't speak, I couldn't think. I just felt desperate.' He feels a little relieved telling them this, so he continues. 'After so many years fighting him almost obsessively... he's the only one that never left my mind, you know? All I ever did was to win his attention in the end. If the world loved me he would love me too once he realized I was worthy of loving' he says like in a trance 'and in the end all of that was completely useless! He already did! And what have I done? I nearly destroyed him!' He cries out and holds his head in his hands again, completely desperate 'this is all my fault!' And he finally breaks down again.

Howard and Mark look at each other, and then sadly turned to Robbie. 'Rob' says Howard putting his hands in his shoulders 'look at me' he does and looks at Howard with eyes full of tears 'this is not your fault. Gary's been beating himself time and time again because of what he regrets doing and not doing. He tried to fight his depression but he couldn't. And he won't be able to do it alone. I really don't think this is your fault, but if what you said is true then your actions may have add to his mental state in some measure' at this Rob's face contorts in pain and tears star to flow again' but, hear me out' he warns 'if what you said it's true, and I do believe it is because all Gaz ever did was speak with fondness of you in spite of everything you say or did, then you have a really hard task ahead of you, Rob'

'What do you mean?' says Rob confused

'That if you love him and he loves you back, you may be the only one able to help Gaz' says Mark looking sympathetically at him, 'at least the only one who might be able to reach him, since neither of us could, no matter what we did' he adds sadly.

'But he doesn't wanna see me'

'Not yet. He doesn't know how you feel. For christ's sake, he thought he'll never see you again in this lifetime. Let alone talk to you. It's all so confusing to me but I guess he's really shocked too." says Mark shaking his head.

'I guess we never really asked but how are you, Rob?' says Howard

'Just marvelous, can't you see?' he can't help himself. He knows he looks like hell. Jet lagged, desperate, and he can't see his face but with so much crying he must look awful.

It's so ridiculous that the three of them can't stop themselves from laughing. The tension of the last couple of days finally giving them a little rest.

Rob answers afterwards. 'Oh How! Where to begin. My life has been a such a really messed up roller coaster. You see, I've enjoyed a lot everything I've done, but at the end of the day I've always felt sad and lonely... I've been in rehab recently and I was starting to feel better. I started to think about so many things. I really thought our reunion would be different if we ever did reunited. And I was starting to believe that it was an actual possibility. I was missing you and wondering if we could ever clear the air between us... if I could talk to Gaz again. I missed him so much. And sobriety and therapy only made me realize why I missed him so much. I've been such a massive idiot' he says a little more calm now.

'We all have our ghosts, Rob. And it seems not everything's lost yet.'

'How's right. We can still make things right again, Rob' says Mark.

'Thanks, mates' says Rob

He's about to say something else when the door opens up and they can hear Jay's voice 'please, Gaz, just wait for the doctor to come..!' but the door is open now and Gary just walks out unsteady, a little blinded by the lights.

They're all shocked to say the least. He begins to walk with no direction but he's tired, his legs don't want to cooperate with him. He feels like falling but he never touches the ground.

Instead a pair of strong arms are holding him steady.


End file.
